NSFW WARNING: This is a very sexually explicit post! Move along if you don’t want to read about sexually explicit things!
My partner is into butt stuff. I am not. We’ve been together over a year and I’ve tried to accommodate his needs but it’s just not for me. How often should I do butt stuff when I hate it? I loves my partner, should I just take it off the table completely? And if so-how do I tell him that?
Help Out a Lover, Emily!
I’m going to answer this a couple different ways. First off, I commend you for being a good, giving, and game partner! Trying new things for your significant other can be hard sometimes, especially if you’ve never really been interested in that thing before. Anal is definitely one of those things that some people never get used to, or are not willing to try. The fact that you tried is very nice!
You can try to make things a little easier. You may have already done these things before, but here are some tips to make butt stuff go a little more smoothly.
- Go slow. Shoving something up your ass without going slowly is not only painful, it can be dangerous.
- Use way more lube than you think you should. Like, way more. Lube your anus, lube the object you’re putting in your anus (a dick, a dildo, fingers, whatever you feel comfortable with). If you want an easier clean-up, do it in the shower, or lay some towels down.
*A note about lube: Although many people use oils as lube, it’s really not recommended. Vegetable, canola, olive, and coconut oil are food items, and when put into a vagina or anus can disrupt how your body cleans itself. It may even cause infection. Also, silicone lube and silicone toys do not mix well because silicone lube can slowly ruin your toy. Good Clean Love has a wide variety of water-based, organic lubes that are a gold standard. They also have a CBD lube for extra relaxation!
- Relax! Massage the area around your anus. If you’re worked up and anxious, your butt is just gonna keep on clenching and no one is going to have fun. Light some candles, engage in a lot foreplay, breathe.
- Use smaller objects. Start with fingers or small butt plugs. There’s no reason to rush into it.
Now, I realize that above are ways that anal can be made more pleasurable for you when being done to you. If he is the one who likes things done to him, here are some suggestions:
- Get some vibrators! He can put one in his anus while you’re fucking, or while you’re sucking his cock. That way, you’re doing what you want, and he’s getting that extra mmph of butt fun.
- Use a flavored lube! If he wants you to *ahem* lick his ass, make it a little more fun with something that tastes like vanilla chai.
- Have him get waxed! He can get his asshole waxed if the hair bothers you. I mean, it’s the least he could do.
Maybe you’ve tried all this and you still really don’t like any of it. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! You tried, and it’s perfectly okay to not do it anymore. You can tell your partner gently that you want to fulfill his desires and fantasies, but that butt stuff just isn’t for you. Maybe it’s something just done on special occasions, or maybe never again. If he really has to have it, then it’ll be a solo thing for him. Here’s an easy script if you’re having a hard time figuring out how to go about it:
You: Hey babe, can we talk about something sex related?
Him: Yeah of course!
You: I love you and I love when we fuck, but even after all the times we have tried butt stuff, I’m still not into it. In fact, I kind of hate it. How would you feel if we didn’t do that anymore?
Him: Ugh, I’d be pretty bummed but I don’t want you to hate something we do in bed.
You: Well, maybe we can watch anal porn together or something, but I still would rather not do it.
And then you continue to have open and honest conversations about sex! Maybe there’s something you both haven’t tried that you both would really like to do. Or, maybe there are things you didn’t realize that you liked! Either way, you’ve totally got this!
Nothing but the best,